I remember it all so vividly. I was praying that the whole experience would be a blur since we were so sleep deprived but unfortunately that was not the case. There are bits and pieces that are fuzzy, but for the most part; it's very vivid. We were so so happy when our babies were born. The 6th of December was the best day of our lives. We were so blissfully happy for 24 hours. Both our babies cried immediately after they were born and when we were in recovery my husband gave me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. Afterwards we got to so see our two perfect babies. The doctors told us both babies were doing so great! We had all our family come up and meet them. They were our perfect Angels. The doctor had told us that evening that Jax would need surgery to close a hole in his esophagus in order for him to be able to eat food properly. They said it wasn't a huge surgery but of course, all surgery as some risk. I remember on the 7th we went up to see them as soon as we woke up! I remember going into Wesley's room, them telling us to stay in there and wait because emergency surgery was needing to be done on Jax in the room next door. His surgery wasn't scheduled for another two hours but apparently they couldn't wait any longer. I remember Amanda coming in every two minutes to give us an update. I will never ever forget when she said, " do you guys believe in God?" We responded with, "yes we do." Then she said, "I would start really praying hard right now and prepare yourselves. It's not looking good." That right there replays in my mind at night. Over and over I hear her telling us that. I don't remember much after that. They took us into his room where they were performing chest compressions and their doctor told us that they needed to stop as there was no sign of life. The next thing I knew I was holding my silent baby in my arms. This was the first and only time I was able to touch him or hold him at all. After this happened, we were heartbroken. We had gotten so used to the idea of having twins that we hadn't even imagined life with just one baby at home. Everyone kept telling us to be strong because we had a baby who needed us present. As much as I was dying inside, I knew that even one baby is a blessing that many don't get to have. We went into Wesley's room to see our remaining son. They told us that he was doing great and they were going to start to ween him off the ventilator. This was when they let me hold him. I got to hold my perfect, breathing baby in my arms. As much as I was grieving the loss of his brother, it felt so good to feel him breathing against my chest. If I had known this was the only time I was going to get to hold him while he was like this, I would have held on so much longer. But I didn't. I was so focused on trying to let my husband have his turn. The nurse said that while the ventilator is in we shouldn't move him very much, so Instead of holding him, Matt picked him up from my arms and set him back in his incubator. This is when he got to change his diaper for the first and only time. I will forever think of these memories as wonderful moments we got to have with our baby boy. Everything seemed so perfect and even though we had just lost one of our sons, our hearts still had love and joy in them. We went back to my hospital room later that evening to sleep & got a call around 2am. They told us we needed to come to the NICU right away. When we got there it was a mad house. There were nurses running all over his room and doctors trying to help him. Instantly we both busted into tears. Amanda came over and explained what was happening to us. I don't remember a word she said looking back on it. Wesley was doing okay for a while and they were going to ween him off the ventilator slowly again. They did this a couple times but each time they got to a certain level he would drop his stats instantly and they would have to raise it back up. At around 3pm it looked like something was wrong again. They called for an echo and during the echo it appeared he was having trouble breathing. This is when Matt and I went to wait in the kitchen area with our parents. Less than three minutes later a nurse came back to get us. That's when I knew. That was the only time I would hold my baby. Our nursery at home is going to be empty. We aren't going to get to see them crawl, or say their first word, raise them to be men, or see them on their wedding day. This was it. As we got to his room it was instant Déjà vu. They were doing compressions and the doctor said that they needed to stop. My heart broke in that very instant and it still hasn't mended even the slightest bit. She asked if we wanted our parents, I nodded yes. I sat there crying and screaming "I can't do this again" over and over into my husbands arms. That's when I heard them. I look down the hall and see my mom instantly break down. Then I see Matts mom & my stepdad crying. They knew. My mom knew the moment she saw me sitting in the hall in his door way screaming as I watched them slowly stop compressions. This moment plays in my mind over and over. It's as if I am watching the whole thing from above us. I can see Matt and I breaking down at one end of the hall. At the other end slowly walking towards us is them crying because they already know. I don't know why nights are the hardest part. I can't seem to sleep. If my husband falls asleep first, forget about it. I will sit on the couch sobbing until I cry myself to sleep an hour later. It's hard to think that right now, I should be so sleep deprived from spending all day snuggling my babies in the NICU because they don't need to be in the incubators anymore. In a month from now, I should have been bringing them home to their nursery that is now an office. I'm so angry, and so upset that I don't get to do any of these things. I'm hoping it will get better when I'm pregnant. I will look forward to all of these things instead of instantly crying when I think about them. Then one day I will actually get to bring my baby home from the hospital. I will be busy changing diapers, feeding, and trying to get them to sleep. I will be a walking zombie, but you know what? I can't wait. I will be the happiest, most sleep deprived woman anyone has ever met. So here is to January 14th, when we can start trying to have another baby. Hopefully by thanksgiving we will have a precious little turkey to love on. I don't know if I will be able to get through the holidays next year without her/him.