10 things I wish I knew about pregnancy after loss
After we lost our twins, we decided that we wanted to try to have another baby. Once we finally got pregnant, here are the things I realized and wished someone had told me about Pregnancy after loss:
1. Getting a positive pregnancy test, isn't all excitement
It might sound stupid and weird, we have been trying to get pregnant and now we finally are, I should be jumping up and down! But I wasn't. I was shaking and crying. I took 3 more to make sure I was really pregnant and those two lines weren't just a trick. Of course, when I took the pregnancy test, I was hopeful and excited, but once those lines actually showed up; my stomach was just a big pit of nerves. Here we go. I thought. Will this time be different? Will this time be the same? I have no way of knowing.
2. Doctors appointments aren't as fun as they used to be
I remember counting down the days and weeks to our next doctors appointment last time. Now, I still count them down, but for an entirely different reason. Before, it was all excitement! We get to see our babies again! Now, its 90% nerves, 10% excitement. The excitement doesn't come until after we are leaving. Doctors appointments are now something I view as, we have to go make sure the baby is still okay. What if it isn't? Doctors are the ones who usually give bad news. What if the ultrasound tech looks at us weird, does that mean something? If everything is fine, and we are leaving the doctors with an ultrasound picture of a healthy baby, then the excitement comes. We just saw our baby! Then I remember we also just scheduled our next appointment, to make sure the baby is still okay.
3. The weeks go by slower
It seems like time is passing by the speed a snail travels. It is awful. All you want is for it to be delivery day. But do your really? Delivery day. That's a phrase that turns my stomach upside down. What will that day be like? Will I be crying of happiness or because I'm scared? When I am wheeled into that room, will I close my eyes and get flashbacks? Delivery day; a day I am longing for and dreading equally the same.
4. The grief comes back
Your grieving seems to start all over. But it is a different kind of grief. Not grieving for what could have been, but grieving for what was and is no more. Each week I remember taking our weekly photos with the twins. I remember what that week was like during that pregnancy, and I think about what it is like now, during this pregnancy. I grieve because I miss and remember having them safe inside my stomach. Because I know that when it comes time to take this baby home, a part of me will be sad I never got that far with our twins.
5. It is hard being sick
You feel awful, because you just spent all this time wishing and hoping you would be pregnant again. You think about all of the stuff you complained about last time and how you would give anything to be miserable again. But, when it comes down to feeling sick and tired and any other pregnancy symptom, you feel guilty for hating what is happening. Its a miracle, and you are growing a beautiful life, but your miserable and hate that you feel so miserable. (unless you're one of the lucky ones who has a rainbow and unicorns pregnancy).
6. You will probably obsess over baby movements
You will be so happy and excited when the baby starts to move, but will become a nervous and obsessive wreck when the baby isn't as active.
7. You have to decide to live in faith or fear
This is extremely difficult to say, because in my life, I feel like I am constantly wrestling with both. Some days I am more fearful then others, but I know that I have to try to step out and live in faith. Faith that this baby will grow up and have a beautiful life.
8. It is okay to plan, it is okay not to plan
If you feel ready for it, go out and buy that mommy loves me onesie you saw the other day. Prepare, buy things, get ready. If not, that is 100% okay, and don't let anyone make you feel differently. They don't know what it is like packing stuff away that you were supposed to use for your child. Sometimes it can be hard. Matt & I still haven't decided if we will be able to buy a crib and put it up before this babe gets here. Will we decorate a nursery? I want to have hope and joy, but I don't have it in me to take down another nursery, so who knows.
9. You will be sad, and that is okay.
It is okay to feel sad for the storm you have gone through while also celebrating the rainbow that has come out of it. Go easy on yourself, just because you try to celebrate this new life doesn't mean that you are forgetting or ignoring the life/lives you have previously carried.
10. There will be joy
There will be moments where you find yourself staring at your belly, in love with the kicks, or listening to the heartbeat. You won't be nervous, you will be happy and joyful, excited for what is to come. That is okay, and when you have these moments, fight to keep them, because you deserve to have joy during this pregnancy.